I May Not Love It, but I Love You
I was reading Mindy Kalings, Why Not Me, this weekend and I came across a passage that explained something I had been thinking about lately but have never been able to put into words. In her chapter titled For The Ladies, Mindy talks about a couple of thoughts she has on weddings, why she isn't the biggest fan, and quickly turns to talking about friendships.
“With my friends, the sad truth is that our best ‘best friend’ days are behind us. In college, we used to be able to meet each other in the common area of our off-campus housing, excited about our evening ahead, which consisted of someone making an enormous tureen of pasta and drinking wine from a box while we took turns regaling each other with details of our terrible love lives.”
For the record my friends and I have done similar things, though lately all we seem to do is in lay in our bedroom while some of us drink wine and others coffee + cry over new One Direction music. Pretty close, really.
“Playful arguments would become fits of uncontrollable laughter, and, like magic, that experience would be crystallized into a private joke, and the private joke would get boiled down to a simple phrase, which became a souvenir of the entire experience. For years to come, the phrase alone could uncork hours of renewed laughter. And as everyone knows, the best kind of laughter is laughter born of a shared memory.”
“In my late twenties, when I moved to Los Angeles and all my friends seemed to spread out around the country. I would tell myself, once I am on hiatus from the show, I will visit them and everything will be the same. But the hiatus would come and go, and a movie role or rewrite job would keep me in LA. Until I realized..”
And then Mindy said it; the thing I had been thinking about but could never utter.
“… this long expanse of free time to rekindle friendships is not real. We will never come home to each other again and we will never again have each others undivided attention. That version of our friendship is over forever.”
For years I felt guilt because I could not manage to keep up with old friendships. I blamed myself for being too busy, for not going home, for feeling like I did not care when in reality I did. It was something that was clearly hard for me but easy for others.
I would reconnect with old friends and everything was fine for the time being but something was always missing.
I now understand that it wasn't my fault. Somethings are just meant to be temporary. In all honestly, everything is temporary.
Of course whenever my love and presence is needed, I will be there because nothing will ever change the importance each individual had/has in my life.
Time will continue to go on and each of us will only grow distant. We will each go in our own direction, doing things we love and things we do not expect.
Just like Mindy, when I remember this, my best of friends, I sit and cry for half an hour while I reminisce about all the fun and probably (very) stupid things we did. That’s the good thing about memories, times change but they remain the same.
And although we may be miles apart, doing other things that are not lying in the room listening to boy band songs, like I said before, if and when you need me, I will be there because that's what friends do.
“If you're my best friend and the only way I get to have dinner with you is by traveling thousands of miles, selecting a chicken or fish option, and wearing a dress in the same shade of lavender as six other girls, I will do that. I won’t love it. But I love you.”