There is so much I find myself saying when I have the time. The time at the end of the day, you know- right after you fall asleep. That is the moment I would mostly question myself and my feelings. High School was just a phase; a stop in life that we would all eventually have to go through. It is a moment where you watch yourself grow. You meet people that are going to mean the world to you for a moment and people that will simply be an acquaintance in your life. Acquaintances? Yes I have plenty of those. True colors show as time goes by. You start to see the factual side of people and their stories. Things you believed in suddenly start to become a lie. People that you swore you knew start to become something you never really realized. However, all this didn't surprise me. People always did say, "Your friends, what you had, what you did.. it will not matter. They will all fade away". And fade away they did.
I can now look back and bluntly say that I worried about unnecessary things. I would be lying if I told you that what people thought of me didn't bother me. What others portrayed of me did matter and it mattered greatly. God, if I would have known what I know now I would have focused on all the right things. What I wore, what I said, what I did, it isn't going to help me now that I am college bound. My professors are not going to ask me about the Experiment YOLO party (the party that was the talk of summer 2012) or about how Adele wrote songs about heartbreaks. Rather they will ask me about atoms and the value of money and the way our body is build; about what it consists of, about how it works. How am I supposed to remember if I was side tracked during class senior year because I was too busy thinking about prom and looking at the love of my life (at the time) that was only a desk away? I knew it was wrong, but it felt so right.
Now the guy that took away the drive in me during senior year does not matter. He didn't end up being in my life like originally planned. "To infinity and beyond", "Forever and always", and "Until the end of time". Life would be amazing if we actually played by the rules. I can't say it didn't hurt because it did. It still does. Knowing you invested so much time in caring for someone. Going out of your way to please them, to make them happy and to know it was never appreciated. It makes me feel that I wasted time of my life on someone that was not worthy to have it. I understand that something like that was going to happen. Truthfully, I was prepared. Therefore, the pain is not so strong. I just can't get over the fact that I didn't even deserve a simple "Thank You". I don't regret you, which is a fact because at some point you made me very happy. Thank you for that. I don't hate you. I wish the best for you. Good luck in life and this never ending journey.
Now I'm on my way to a university of my dreams. I get to start fresh. I get to live something, and experience and for that I am grateful. I have plan in this life. I plan to be successful. I plan to do things and see things and feel things that are new to me. My past has shaped me into the wonderful young lady that I am today. I love the way I am shaped and I love every moment in my life for getting me to where I am today. I have a long way to go and a thousand more heartbreaks and arguments and fights. I will pass by countless acquaintances and leave many behind. But I can now say that I am stronger because of what I have lived. It may not be a lot. I've only been in this world for seventeen years but I have learned more than I would have learned in a century if my mind and my heart were not open. Optimism is the key. The lock is my future. I hold the key chain in my hand now. I am ready for whatever life will throw at me. It will not be easy but it will not be impossible. The journey is only beginning.
- July 20th 2012 10:42 PM