Life is a Funny Thing
Have you ever had a bittersweet feeling? A sense that what you'e about to do is wrong yet so right? It's like eating the best scoop of Thrifty's Rocky Road ice cream when you're clearly on an "all water" diet. No? Well, what about being in love. We've all been in love but have you ever been in love with the wrong person? Come on, I'm pretty sure you fell in love with your best friend at some point. You wanted to scream to the world how deeply you felt but you never said anything because he's your best friend. You can't admit to loving your best friend. Bittersweet, right? Well what about going away, far away? Going to a new place; somewhere different where dramatic adjustments are bound to happen. It's still a nostalgic feeling, isn't it?
You may have experienced one or more of these because I clearly have. Maybe you haven't? Well trust me, you will. We all have our share of bittersweet moments but lately there's been one that seems to follow me everywhere. Literally, I mean everywhere. I'm about to leave- pack my bags and get going to somewhere completely new. I know I'm here for a bigger purpose than just living. There's more to breathing in this life. I want to experience it all. This world is full of opportunities; chances that are waiting to be taken but can't be taken unless the first step isn't engaged. But what happens if fear overruns your curiosity? What happens then?
Something happened today that made me reason my thinking and it all happened outside a Rite-Aid store (remember that Rocky Road ice cream, it couldn't be bought anywhere else). I had asked my mom to take me last minute shopping for some college things that needed to be bought so we went to our local Wal-Mart and hopped to Rite-Aid after to buy some of my favorite shampoo that can't be bought anywhere else other than Rite-Aid and Costco but Rite-Aid is just a couple minutes away from home and Costco is probably closed at 8 at night, so my best bet was Rite-Aid. At this time my mom was completely wore out from walking all over Wal-Mart so she suggested that she stay inside the car and wait for me to buy my things. I mean I was only going to buy shampoo; it wasn't going to take that long. So I proceeded and went inside. I gathered the best looking bottle of shampoo and conditioner and went on my way to buy some Thrifty Ice Cream for my family. I made my transaction and rushed to the car. I was buckling my seat belt when I caught a glimpse at my mother's eyes, her watery eyes. She had been crying. Crying? Exactly! Crazy right? Why would she be crying outside of a Rite-Aid store? It took me a couple of seconds to wrap my mind around it until it finally hit me. The shopping, the driving around, driving me around, specifically to buy stuff to leave; it overwhelmed her, it reminded her. I was leaving. The baby that she had given life to, the soul she protected from all bad was leaving and she was watching. She cried the whole way back, reassuring me that she was fine and that it was going to pass. Do you know how terrible it feels to see your mother cry? My God that may be the worst feeling ever. I'm not a mother therefor I am in no position to speak about how much it hurts to let a child go. But I was going for all the right reasons. I was leaving to study? Wouldn't that make the pain hurt less? Wrong. I was wrong. The pain was still unbearable for her and it was going to be as long as I was here. I'm a part of her and everything I do that has to do with some type of letting go was going to kill. Yes by that time I was feeling really bittersweet.
Now I lay here typing away my feelings while the bags full of potential college dorm things lay on my floor waiting to be packed. I don't know. My mind is full of memories and instances when I had to say goodbye to someone. It's funny how life is. Have you ever thought about that? About how life doesn't stop for anyone; time just keeps going by. And the funnier thing, that life doesn't go on unless you say goodbye. You have to move on. I've had to say goodbye to some of the best people that have happened to me. How do you say goodbye to a friend that has been there for you since seventh grade? I had to, I had to say goodbye to Elizabeth and it was one of the hardest things ever. So now I think how my mother feels? Elizabeth wasn't my family, she wasn't my blood but it hurt. How does it feel to let go of a child. I lost my grandfather when I was little. I may have been small but the pain was so big. The thought of never seeing the man that raised me was the most unbearable feeling ever. Was my mom feeling the exact same way? But I was going to see her again. I mean I'm not leaving to England. I'm going to Irvine. It isn't that far. I don't know, now I'm just blurting things out on this keyboard. What I'm trying to say is that going away to college has been the most bittersweet experience ever.
Life is a funny thing. You have to say goodbye to some parts of your life to move on. The feeling is bittersweet but it's for the best. God does not give you anything you can't handle- and that's what gets me going every day. I'm strong enough to say goodbye but just because I'm tough doesn't mean that the pain is intolerable. It is. I'll be fine and my mother will be fine and my friends, like Elizabeth and the rest, will be fine. I'll be okay because this is just a phase in life that had to happen to get me going to see everything else. Remember, this life is full of chances and you'll get to see all these chances if you take the first step. It's easy and it's worth it. That's life and it's the most beautiful thing ever.
(Oh and remember that Rocky Road Ice Cream I bought? Yea I didn't have any. This "all water" diet will be the end of me).