WANT + FEAR
I've been holding back when it comes to writing. I've been in this 'writing slump' for far too long. At first I blamed it on school and how busy I had been. I was taking classes and working and watching great television shows in between (shout out to The Mindy Project). Consequently, there was no time for me to sit and write. That was a lie. Later, I blamed it on my ambition because I didn't have any. Then I figured, eh, maybe it's because I don't love writing anymore but that was the ultimate lie because there was so much I had to say and the best way for me to say it was within words. I wanted to write. I want to write so badly so why has it been so hard?
I figured it out. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to write. I'm afraid to say the wrong things. I'm afraid that people will read it. I'm afraid my words will be judged or worse, interpreted the wrong way. I'm afraid and it wasn't always like this. It's funny because I can actually pin point when this began and it didn't start as such. I started writing and comparing myself to others. I judged myself based on the support I was receiving and compared it to the support others had received. I looked at views and numbers and when they were high and low and why. I questioned myself and my writing. Were people reading? What did they think? What did they want to read next? How could I make my writing seem like the person before me? What did I have to do to make them happy? My aim as a writer is to write what comes to me, naturally, and hope that you, who is reading, enjoys it and sticks around a while to read what's next. I wanted my writing to be good enough but instead of trying, I stopped. And so this is the way it's been.. multiple drafts of things I want to say and fear to say them.
I don't want it to be this way. I don't want to be afraid any longer. I'd like to say this is where it ends but I'm always going to have some sort of fear. It's scary to document your feelings and then to share them with the world. It leaves you a bit vulnerable but I'm willing to expose myself if it's for something I love.
So this is where I stop being afraid or try to be anyways. When I want, I will. I'll write about my body and the moments I hate it and I'll document the times that I am absolutely in love with myself. Most importantly, I won't be afraid to do so. I'll write about loving someone for so long and not being loved back. I'll write about how it broke me and how I've coped since. I'll write about traveling to find myself and I'll write about how hard it's been to do so. I'll be afraid but this time it'll be for the right reasons.
Here's to not being afraid but instead to being brave, in my writing and everything else I do.